My heart screams

Today is one of those days when I feel absolutely pointless. Feels like what I do is not important…days go by filled with to-do lists of not importance. Like my existence is absolutely meaningless…. like all of it just doesn’t matter. Going places..meeting people…learning things…what for? It all doesn’t matter…feel empty
I keep coming across people who are so passionate about what they do. Hearing  their stories of failure and success…at least they try. They are trying to do something. And I compare myself and feel like a complete loser. I’m stuck… I dislike what I do…yet I don’t know what I can do instead….I’m stuck not know what decision to make…stay here or move back home… I’m stuck and paralyzed with not knowing what to do next….and so days fly by like crazy…
Sometimes I wish for something to happen so it’ll force me to make a decision.
I feel like I did everything wrong…. because otherwise I would not sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself. I guess it’s not always takes a tragedy to hit the rock bottom. It’s just one of those days…
I will hug myself and will keep on hoping that one day I’ll grow into an awesome human.


Letters to you

I’ve written quite a few letters to you in the last couple of months, but with no intention to send them to you. It’s a progress already, because now at least I’m able to get all of those feelings out on the paper. Before all that emotional madness would made me just cry, and I would not be able to write even one word. So I run and hide away from what turns out to be myself. I still feel a lot of heavy feelings whenever I think about us. I know it’ll take me a lot more letters to write you to drop that heaviness.

I think I feel you missing me, and probably you feel that I miss you too. Yes I do miss you, and I think about you everyday. I check you blog, and facebook, and instagram … I don’t even know why I do it. Maybe because I want to know that everything is well with you. I wanted to call you and just asked how have you been…but I didn’t. I care for you deeply. So the question might come up…why don’t we just get back together? well I thought about it…a lot…and this is what comes up to me: Because we did each other wrong so many times…hearts are broken…and the trust nowhere to be found. I think we even become a sort of an addiction to each other…Now both of us are paying the price of “going with the flow” approach to life. It is a very painful price we pay for treating important things too casual. Reacting to life instead of doing everything possible to create life.

That’s what I’ve been up to lately, trying to do anything I can to get closer to the life that I want to have. To get there I need to become a woman with a valid “resume” that will be eligible for that life 😀 I know there is a lot of healing to do, and a lotta money to be made…a lootta money ! and a lotta awesome life to live…a loooot of it 🙂

I hope your wild hair are well groomed (yes every single one of them), you’re healthy and active.

Bye now 😀