My heart screams

Today is one of those days when I feel absolutely pointless. Feels like what I do is not important…days go by filled with to-do lists of not importance. Like my existence is absolutely meaningless…. like all of it just doesn’t matter. Going places..meeting people…learning things…what for? It all doesn’t matter…feel empty
I keep coming across people who are so passionate about what they do. Hearing  their stories of failure and success…at least they try. They are trying to do something. And I compare myself and feel like a complete loser. I’m stuck… I dislike what I do…yet I don’t know what I can do instead….I’m stuck not know what decision to make…stay here or move back home… I’m stuck and paralyzed with not knowing what to do next….and so days fly by like crazy…
Sometimes I wish for something to happen so it’ll force me to make a decision.
I feel like I did everything wrong…. because otherwise I would not sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself. I guess it’s not always takes a tragedy to hit the rock bottom. It’s just one of those days…
I will hug myself and will keep on hoping that one day I’ll grow into an awesome human.

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Clean it like you mean it

Cleaning is a never ending process, specially when it comes down to a closet πŸ™‚ couple weeks ago I watched a cute Japanese movie that was based on the book written by Marie Kondo “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing”. I’ve heard about that book before, but haven’t read it, and this movie was a great and easy introduction.

For the last couple of years I’ve head that yearning feeling to clean up all the things around me. It felt like in the pile of everything, I have lost something or can’t find what have been looking all this time. I’ve started “spring cleaning” on multiple occasions, but most of the time, I would either never finish or by the time I finish one side the other gets to a disaster point.

Last week I woke up at 5am for no particular reason, and for no reason was excited to start the day πŸ˜€ So that morning, I took all my clothes out of every single corner and put it all in one big pile in the living room….thinking that I’ll go through that pile in a week. My plan was to work on that pile everyday, but it has been already more than a week, and the pile is still there. However, I did make some progress the other evening, but got stopped by a spider that freaked me out. I have a box where I keep all my hats and scarfs, and I started going through it, pulled out one hat and IT WAS THERE!….soooo I haven’t gone close to the pile since then πŸ˜€

This incident (yeah the one when some spider attacked me and almost ate my soul!) made me think that it’s pretty much the same when we go through a pile of our emotions. When we start going though something, and working … seeing some progress already… getting deeper…and boom! some nastiness pops out and you freak out. You didn’t even know that you had it there, and it is crawling through your stuff. That is those grudges, negative thoughts, self petty and etc. crawls in to your mind…your heart…At first, one negative thought might look pretty harmless, but if you won’t get rid of that soon enough …next thing you know a spider web has been set up…and then another one.. and then you’ll see little spider kids are running around everywhere all happy…and they’re learning to build their webs. Then boom chicka wow… and you’re all tied up and numb from their venom!!! #youcanstartfreakingoutrightaboutnow πŸ˜€

Alright I freaked myself enough now…so tonight I’ll tackle that pile!

To be continued…

Letters to you

I’ve written quite a few letters to you in the last couple of months, but with no intention to send them to you. It’s a progress already, because now at least I’m able to get all of those feelings out on the paper. Before all that emotional madness would made me just cry, and I would not be able to write even one word. So I run and hide away from what turns out to be myself. I still feel a lot of heavy feelings whenever I think about us. I know it’ll take me a lot more letters to write you to drop that heaviness.

I think I feel you missing me, and probably you feel that I miss you too. Yes I do miss you, and I think about you everyday. I check you blog, and facebook, and instagram … I don’t even know why I do it. Maybe because I want to know that everything is well with you. I wanted to call you and just asked how have you been…but I didn’t. I care for you deeply. So the question might come up…why don’t we just get back together? well I thought about it…a lot…and this is what comes up to me: Because we did each other wrong so many times…hearts are broken…and the trust nowhere to be found. I think we even become a sort of an addiction to each other…Now both of us are paying the price of “going with the flow” approach to life. It is a very painful price we pay for treating important things too casual. Reacting to life instead of doing everything possible to create life.

That’s what I’ve been up to lately, trying to do anything I can to get closer to the life that I want to have. To get there I need to become a woman with a valid “resume” that will be eligible for that life πŸ˜€ I know there is a lot of healing to do, and a lotta money to be made…a lootta money ! and a lotta awesome life to live…a loooot of it πŸ™‚

I hope your wild hair are well groomed (yes every single one of them), you’re healthy and active.

Bye now πŸ˜€

Dancing Bug

Ohhh dancing … whether moving my body to the rhythms of techno house bass, RnB soothing sounds, belly dancing drums, Hip Hop funky beat, or Turkish romani story telling… ohh I love it all! But there are two dances that stand out the most for me: Salsa and Bachata #drooling haha

I caught this latin dancing bug about 7 years ago. It crept up on me at one of the college parties, where pretty tipsy Colombians got tired of our drunk Russian techno jamming and switched it to THEIR music πŸ™‚ Β And there it was… my first salsa dancing lesson #hearagloriousmusiconthebackgroundnow

However, my salsabachata cherry wasn’t popped till couple years later. To be more specific in September 2011, when I took a real for real Salsa and Bachata basics lesson at one of the local studios. After one month dance lessons program there was three months one, which got followed by joining a dance team and learning all the cooking behind the stage. I haven’t mastered the Dance performing artΒ hehe nor got to the advanced level in it… one day… But with social dancing, I think I got to a pretty decent level…at least that’s what they say πŸ™‚

Ever since then my restless feet keep bringing me back to social dancing parties. Due to some twisted circumstances, going dancing Β in our little town comes with not only excitement for me, but also a bitter feeling. Well actually a whole variety box of different not so pleasant feelings. Why do I come back? At different times there was a different reason. Once it was a desire to get so good at dancing… then wishing to fit in and be accepted…then hopeful thinking that things will change in my favor…that phase lasted a looooooooooooooong time haha…there was even a time when I wished that I’d never took a salsa class… I wanted to not to love to dance….then I got to a place where I don’t want any of that…I don’t try to fit in anymore, I’m not looking for acceptance, I don’t wait for things to be different…now I’m just showing up for dancing πŸ™‚

I’m coming back to grab a little bit of magic that dancing does to my mind and my body. It’s not about dance partners, or us while we dance.. it’s purely loving a state of me while I dance. Of course dance partners matter haha they lead the magic flow haha But what I’m talking about is my connection to the music, and how it makes my body move, and how the movement makes me feel. It sort of a meditative state for me, when I release different thoughts and emotions.

No matter how much I lift weights, run, do yoga, walk , hike, bike, or even dance other styles, there comes a time when I feel how my body craves salsabachata cure. And that dancing cure is so overdue by now.

I guess… let’s dance πŸ™‚